Sometimes, I ask why I punish myself this way. I get into the same vicious cycle each time I even contemplate of getting into a relationship. I open myself up to the possibility and eventually end up liking someone perfect ---- perfectly unsuitable.

The person I like has become a friend. We chat, we email, we text, but we don't talk personally. Amazing feat considering we work together and his area is a step away from mine. We convince ourselves that we don't talk in public because we don't want unnecessary gossip surrounding us.

The first time we met, people were already pairing us up. That's how our friendship started, actually. I started teasing him about another officemate who started showing some signs that she liked him. Yada yada.. until he finally told me that he had an on and off relationship with his girlfriend - which at the moment is at an "off" stage.

Stupid of me, I started liking him. More specifically, I fell in love with his mind and humor. Not many people can do that and so, unquestionably, I fell hard.

I thought we were progressing very well. We were texting until early morning, we chatted everyday even just to say hi, and we would exchange friendster messages regularly. He even went to a restaurant I was in, just so he could eat something with me. ( I was surprised he wasn't put off by the fact that my sis in law was with me)

But then, recently, the "trail got cold", so to speak. I thought he was just busy. But I heard from a friend that she saw him with his ex. An ex who was clinging on his arm while they were out eating.

Kabaam! It hit me! My stupidity just struck me full and hard on my face. Here I was, foolishly thinking that finally! a man I could begin to like (and the plus side to it was I thought he was liking me too!)... and he was not available.

It was plain stupidity - because I knew we were friends, and he never did show  "concrete and undeniable" signs that he liked me more than that. Once again, I have formed an "affair" in my head.

Building castles has always been my favorite pastime. I know it won't do me any good, but I keep doing it anyway. I just never learn.

I don't have a lot of guy friends. The few I have are "tropa" and most of the time, I am considered as "one of the guys".  However, there are times I encounter friends who eventually confess that they like me.

Before, I would immediately step back and let the guy know that I can only offer friendship.  Now, I am actually thinking about the possibility of going out with a friend.

Desparate times call for desparate measures. Thankfully, this is not YET the case for me. It's just that I have come to realize that I may be limiting my world (and my chances) by immediately blocking off friends from my dating list. After all, they say that friends make the best partner.

This month, I have, yet again, received a date proposal from a friend. I have accepted. Will I live to regret this decision? I certainly hope not. As all risks go, this one can cost me our friendship. I couldn't say that I would hate that above all else but still, I would hate it nontheless.